May 22, 2012

Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

Last week I was blown away by the amount of inspiring women that make up the blogosphere. Each one so unique, talented, ambitious... but no one's life is perfect. And that's what this wave of posts started by Jess and followed by EZ have made me realize: no one has the perfect life. We all write about beautiful, happy things every day, but we all deal with real life problems. Some small, some big. Here's a closer look at my life...

I had my first panic attack 7 years ago. It was right around the time I was graduating from college and I felt lost. I've had many panic attacks since then.

I'm afraid of dying. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

I miss my Nano every single day. My grandfather passed away three years ago and I still can't talk about him without sobbing.

I'm self-conscious of my weight. I gained the freshman fifteen way after I was a freshman - the year I moved to NYC. I look at pictures from back then and it makes me cringe. 

I hate being alone. I'm not sure how it started, but I hate being alone. I always had a roommate and then moved in with Kenny so being alone is not something I'm used to. This is something I try to work on every day because I do believe I need to learn that it's okay to be alone.
Bloggers Who Participated Today: Alex: Things That Sparkle / Gaby: The Vault Files / Christin: With a C.H.

Bloggers Who Are Participated in Wave No. 2:

Cassie: Coco + Kelley / Christine: Court & Hudson / Caitlin: Sacramento Street / Roxy: My Cup of Te / Crystal: Blog / Meg: MIMI+MEG / Ashlina: The Decorista / Katie: Modern Eve / Erin: Apartment 34 / Erica: Design Blahg / Victoria: Vmac & Cheese / Christine: Miles to Style / Franki: Life in a Venti Cup / Sue: The Zhush / Erika: Radiant Republic / Gabrielle: Savvy Home / Monika: The Doctor's Closet / Naomi: Design Manifest /Tobe: Because It's Awesome / Becca: {extra}ordinary wonders / Lynzy: Sparkling Footsteps / Hitha: Hitha On The Go / Sarah: Note To Self / Liz: So Much To Smile About / Sarah: Blogstar / Alissa: The Goods Design / Jessie: Style & Pepper / Erika: Small Shop Studio / AV: Long Distance Loving / Maggie: Maggie Rose Blog / Nicole: The City Girl In Me / Priscilla: The Best Laid Plans / Jen: Concrete Jungle DC / Janelle: Food Fashion Fitness / Natalie: East Coast Chic

Bloggers Who Participated in EZ's Wave No. 1:

Design for Mankind | Little Brown Pen | Beautiful Hello | Curating Style | Sweet Fine Day | The Jealous Curator | Happy Days | Sage & Berries | Really Handmade | Peck Life | Satsuma Press | Rena Tom | For the Easily Distracted | The Hemborg Wife | Vitamini Handmade | Courtney Khail Stationery and Design | Meg in Progress | Dando Photography Blog | Widdershins22 | Alison Citron | Pink Moon Daily |Just Pretty Things | From China Village | Tea with Me | The Darling Ewe | Not Your Average Ordinary | The Electric Typewriter | Elleby Design | Parsimonia {Secondhand With Style} | Life as an Artistpreneur | Hello Cupcake | Dellie | The A & B Stories | Pretty Little Things | Feistyelle | Nib & Zed | Well and Cheaply | I Ripple. I Dance. | Whitfield Awesome Blog | Foxtrot Press | Dry As Toast | The List of Now | Apple Blue | For the Love of | Four Flights of Fancy | Miss Modish | Snapshots & Secrets | Dirty Laundry | Bubby & Bean | Penelope's Press | Little Nostalgia | Vale Design | Pikaland | Fleurishing | Print Pretty | Vespa Tales | Hazel & Agnes | Amanda's Musings | Mo' Funk Designs | Ordinary Mommy | Camp 1899 | In Honor of Design | Liberty's Yarn | Love, Life & Pictures | Stacey Winters | Owl in the Rain | Living Life Creatively | Emma Elizabeth Clease | I Live in Vacouver Now | British Cream Tea


  1. I have loved this series. You really opened up and shared some brave things. I have panic attacks and am just learning to be ok alone. I didn't try until my husband started traveling for work and then I had to! It is possible. xo

  2. Hiii like you post im selfcouncious of my weigth too and also i dont like to be alone and im afraid to die too very afraid i hope you have wonderful day and all the blogs i go to inspired me ;)

  3. The thought of dying scares me as well, even more so when I think of a loved one dying. I feel like people have panic attacks more than we think, and everyone just stays quiet about them. Glad we're able to share our worries with each other and hopefully minimize said panic attacks for both of us. Key word *hopefully*! And you are seriously stunning! Just feel like that needed to be said. Love you, Viv!

  4. Carmon! How brave to be so candid about the things that scare you! It's great that you opened up this dialogue, I'm proud of you :)

    Lots of love from your biggest fan!

  5. I love this series and getting to know everyone more! So brave of you bloggers! I'm in month 9 of living alone and I still freak out every time it's bedtime and I have to sleep alone. I have to sleep with the TV on all night loudly and a fan blasting all night whenever my boyfriend isn't here. I have a never ending fear someone is going to get me. And you are gorgeous - don't ever look back and cringe. I had the freshman 15 and look back at pictures and think I look horrible, but also think I look like an extremely happy 18 year old who was having too much fun to even notice.


  6. Thanks so much for sharing. It's really refreshing to hear such honestly. As someone who is also self conscious of my weight (especially after just graduating recently) you look fantastic lady. Seriously.

  7. I'm the same way Viv, I absolutely hate being alone. It's funny too because I'm actually really independent but the thought of coming home to a lonely house - it just kills me.

  8. So glad you did one of these too Viv! Glad to hear I'm not the only one who doesn't like being alone. And I totally hear you about times of being self-conscious- but you are so so gorgeous!

  9. i think this is such a great post. it's really brave to open up and share things that are on a more personal level, and provides some sort of comfort to know you aren't alone. i too had a panic attack when i graduated college. which was followed by me sitting in bed for a week and crying. also, i think a lot of girls are self conscious of their weight, but you are seriously beautiful!

  10. Loved to see what's on your mind with this. I used to be afriad of the dark and couldn't sleep by myself but with lots or prayer I overcame that. God bless you! XO

  11. Love your post Vivianna. So great to learn more about you. I too have panic attacks they are horrible and just plain annoying. and I am scared of dying and losing loved ones. I think about it everynight while I am in bed. I gained the freshman 30 if it makes you feel better, I was huge! You are loveley my dear!

    1. I thought I was the only one that did the whole "think-horrible-thoughts-in-bed" at night. Glad to know there are many out there who feel the same.

  12. Viv! I love that you shared this. I am so inspired by you and your honesty. I have had panic attacks, too! I am actually on anxiety medicine because of it. :-/ So you aren't alone- you never really are. I find your faults make you even more beautiful. XOXO, Sam

  13. Thanks for being so candid. It's like that saying... "Be Kind. Everyone is going through something"- and it's true, we all have our demons to face. I also hate being alone... I moved cross country by myself to try and deal with that!

  14. Thanks for doing this post Viv! I've loved reading all of them. It makes me feel that I'm not alone!

  15. Like you, I'm afraid of death. Not mine mostly but of those around me. Especially my parents. Sometimes I lay awake at night sobbing just thinking about it. And I also don't like to be alone. I'm thankful I found the man that can stand to have me with him most of the time. There. It feels better now that I've said these. Thanks for leading the way. x

  16. The thought of dying also scares me! And now that I'm a momma it scares me a trillion times more! Loved reading more about you Viv, and thanks for the invitation ;)

  17. Thanks for doing this post girl! Loved reading it!!


  18. talk about relating - panic attacks, fear of dying, post freshman 15! we are so similar I can't even begin. thanks for putting it all out there viv, can't wait to chat with you more and galavant around NYC!

  19. Wow, I relate to a lot of these! Being alone is the worst...and knowing that others share the same fears comforts me and helps me realize that I'm not alone! Love this post and how transparent you are, so awesome! Thanks for sharing :)

    xoxo, Taylor {CoverGirl and Converse}


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